I was in the worst mood today. Actually, I thought I was fine, but then I fell into moody silence somewhere between the office and Bass Pro. A quesadilla lunch at Playita Mexicana made me a little happier, but as soon as I returned to my desk, my stack of work and a fruitless conference call, I had just about had enough. Maybe I need another vacation? It’s too bad I have no camping gear or outdoorsy skills – I’d take myself out into the woods somewhere. Maybe someone would be willing to lend me a tent. If camping here is anything like camping in some little rustic site in the northern Lower Peninsula, I think I could manage. I could build a small fire, curl up in my sleeping bag, take walks on trails. And all the while growing facial hair that no one would be around to judge me for! Awesome! Too bad my mom would freak if she found out I went camping alone…
Interested… in being alone
I was thinking about hobbies the other day. I used to want to do things in my spare time that would give me an excuse to be around people. Now, I’d kind of rather be alone, at least for the most part. Like, with the Humane Society, I like walking the dogs, but I really don’t ever feel like socializing with the other volunteers. And I hate feeling like I’m making mistakes in front of them or not doing things by the book. Obviously, I can’t be the only person walking the dogs and throwing balls for them, but if I could find a place with just a few dogs, I’d much rather go it alone. I’d make a better dog sitter than a volunteer walker for a big place like the HS.
Similarly, church? Too many people. My fault for picking a church with a membership in the tens of thousands, but it’s been the best fit in most ways. Anyway, I want a small study group or singles ministry, not a room brimming with 50 people. I get intimidated in groups bigger than three (including me), so what does that tell you? I already speak too quietly, but combine that with the din of 49 other voices and you’ve got me silently taking notes and listening intently to everyone else, just like always. I’m even like that at work – lunch or a meeting with two, I can do; more than that, I clam up. Frustrating.
Anyway, I have no hobbies or interests. It’s probably strange reading that because it seems like everyone out there has at least ONE thing they love doing. Well, I guess I like reading and blogging, but those are so routine. And I wouldn’t call them passions. Passions are things you’re also a mini expert in. Like RP has fishing. And so many people in the office have hunting. Everyone out there has something they know a lot about and really enjoy. I don’t. I like a lot of things – most of all animals/nature, science, writing, reading, web design and travel – but I know almost nothing about them. I can’t list my favorite writers, the periodic table, all the species of ducks my company protects, how many islands make up Hawaii. I could gather all that information in less than two minutes, but that’s not enough. They can’t be passions if I’m not interested enough to know all this already. It’s just that I feel like I don’t have enough time to learn… how lame is that?
Off the shelf
I went to the library tonight to find a book. I didn’t have long to browse, so I went straight to the new arrivals section in search of a witty novel or a cool piece of nonfiction. I momentarily considered a book called Winter Study, which is based on Isle Royale in Lake Superior. But the synopsis slowly faded from interesting wolf research to something about giant mutant wolves? I quickly lost interest. Seemed too much like a B-movie in book form. I ended up with a book called, The Opposite of Love. I couldn’t resist this blurb in the jacket:
When successful twenty-nine-year-old Manhattan attorney Emily Haxby ends her happy relationship just as her boyfriend is on the verge of proposing, she can’t explain to even her closest friends why she did it. Somewhere beneath her sense of fun, her bravado, and her independent exterior, Emily knows that her breakup with Andrew has less to do with him and more to do with…her. “You’re your own worst enemy,” her best friend Jess tells her. “It’s like you get pleasure out of breaking your own heart.
Having been accused in the not-so-distant past of making myself miserable because I didn’t know how else to be in life, this whole passage – not to mention the like-named heroine – totally convinced me to take the book home. I can imagine this being me at 29. Maybe not on the verge of marriage (who can imagine that?) but maybe in a serious relationship that I decide to end for no apparent reason. So much of me is internal. I will readily express my feelings, but it really is only a small portion of what’s going on in my head. Even here… I can’t lend a proper a voice to my brain. You still don’t read everything. If this book is well written and honest, there will be a good bit of that exact theme running throughout. I’m looking forward to it.
There better be another Jim
Watched the “Office” premiere tonight. Not going to spoil it for those who will be watching on the Web or via recordings, but I was not super impressed with the episode as a whole. But, as always, the love of “Jam” salvaged it for me. =) The epic scene they shared made me long for a rain-drenched rest stop off I-80. I hope I’ll make it there someday…
As mentioned in paragraph one, work is wearing me thin. I didn’t think that would be the case since the crazy marathon that was Opening Day has now been muted to a dull roar, but maybe that’s the problem – being insanely busy kept me from recognizing the shortcomings of my job. I was so excited about the end result of this amazing project, created by five sets of skilled hands, that I didn’t for a moment think I’d ever stop loving it. But I kind of am. I think it’s Memphis, really. It’s actually sucking the life out of me. There is no nature here. The people are not particularly friendly. Germantown Parkway makes me have tiny strokes from all the lanes of traffic filled with mostly bad drivers. I am on the downward slope from a ridiculous crush. I can’t seem to find a niche. I miss school. I miss home, friends, my mom. And I was able to shut all that off for a while to get that project done. Now that it is, I’m realizing my powers are limited. I can do only a fraction of what the rest of the team can. I hate to think that I’m not meant to work as part of a team, but maybe I’m not. I just feel like I’m not really needed, other than just because there are too many small tasks for important people to have to handle themselves. I’m not actually contributing anything unique to the situation. I’m not a go-to person for anything. I am creating Web pages that others don’t have the time to create. I am placing photos and updating links and writing copy. And while I know all that is necessary to keep a Web site running smoothly, it’s just… lame. It makes me feel lame that I can’t build anything, create anything spectacular like a donor recognition wall or the technology behind a sweet video contest. I’m just the, “Hey, can you change out that image of the dog? Yeah, we want a guy with a gun there instead.” Bah.
I don’t blame anyone but myself for hyping things up in my mind. I knew what I was getting into moving down here. I was fine for a while, still floating on the cloud that is a new place and a new job, but it’s disintegrated now to the point where I can clearly see the ground below. And in Memphis, it’s hard, dry and covered in fire ants.