life line

Quickie… I realized last night that I’ve become something of a life line for my mom. She’s still working and doing her thing, but the depression I experienced in my youth seems to have lighted on her now in her older years. I miss her so much and I know she misses me. We’ve always had this really tight bond—the kind that makes you want to tear out each other’s hair at the same time you want to hug more tightly than ever and never let go—and now it’s become this unseen vein that ties us together. I have to be strong for her, each day she tells me how she’s weakened. It’s kind of frightening. I know she hides it with my siblings. I know if I ever have a life of my own, I won’t be as in tune to her needs and her worries. That doesn’t hold me back from wanting to live, but it does make me increasingly aware of how much we need each other, and how the burden of need has shifted over the years from her to me.

I’m lucky, really. But it’s hard to think about. I’m glad to be going home for so long this Christmas to be with her. Hoping it will be a time of re-energizing and embracing, not lashing out at each other.

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