Today has been one of the worst to date concerning homesickness. The fall weather cues up nostalgia like you wouldn’t believe, which takes me back to years past and also to the knowledge that pretty much every memory was made 700+ miles north of here. And now I spend every waking moment at work or alone.
I was on the phone with Carla at lunch today and all she had to do was say the words, “garage sale,” and I was on the verge of tears. I’ve only taken part in one garage sale, and been to a mere handful of other people’s, but it played in so well with the rest of that “fall” feeling, that time spent meandering around aimlessly with friends, that I felt like I’d been punched in the gut by the most innocent of phrases.
I have also missed the following today: the streets of downtown Ann Arbor, the outskirts of East Lansing and MSU’s campus, walking on the trails near Lake Lansing while I talked to God and came up with long-winded metaphors about life, driving to Jackson Crossing mall with Mandy & Joanne Pieper, my grandpa’s basement in Indiana and my one time walking around downtown Chelsea with Tod.
Having always considered myself a loner, it is strange for me to deal with loneliness and homesickness so strong I am physically hurting. Would I suddenly stop feeling that way if I made a friend or found a lover here in Memphis? I just don’t know. This place doesn’t feel like my own on so many levels. Maybe if I moved out and lived in my own apartment, I would stop feeling like a stranger, like that little girl with her dripping nose constantly pressed up against someone else’s window, leaving crusted smears behind.
With as bad as I am feeling now, thank goodness there is no real winter here. I would be a basket case. Maybe I’ll still deal with SAD because of the general lack of light, but I think not having the snow and the ominousness of the winter season will help. I hope it will.
I really have no particular place I’m going with this entry. Just felt like I needed to share some of my sadness today. =\ Hope you all understand.