preparing for another weekend alone

This is getting kind of old. I know the problem is I’m not independent enough, or at least that I’m too conventional to come up with some thrills-a-minute stuff to fill up my weekend. But, really, it’s incredibly lonely here in the Mid-South. I think I’m going to try to wake up earlyish and hit up the farmer’s market. I haven’t gone since my mom and I stopped in while looking for my future Memphis home. The market was just starting then, so the booths were pretty redundant – strawberries, peaches, potatoes. Oh, wait. I guess I went there once more alone and bought two zucchinis. Mm, those were good.

But beyond that… I’m out of ideas. I know I will watch “Grave of the Fireflies,” my Netflix movie of the weekend. Maybe I will take the recycling in the morning too. I may work a little each day. And go to the gym. And go grocery shopping. That all sounds awful. Ha! Awful! Maybe I’ll take a walk at the rec area if the temps don’t get too far into the 80s. And maybe I’ll finish my library book. I’ll definitely call my mom and try to figure out my travel plans for the holidays. Tap my foot and look up the status of my Amazon shipments? Wow. And I’ll go to church Sunday. Maybe not to the singles thing, because last week? Yikes. But at least to the service. Or maybe I’ll go back to Bellevue one more time so I can buy a bible for 20% off. That might be worth a shot.

Three of my coworkers and I walked to a local restaurant called The Butcher Shop for lunch today. It’s a steakhouse that’s open for lunch only on Fridays, which means it’s a popular time to show up there. They have hamburgers, chicken, catfish, shrimp, etc. – whatever you want on a bun with potato chips for $5+. It’s not a spectacular deal when all is said and done, but it is nice to have a place within walking distance that everyone seems to like. When I walked there with JM & RP before, we figured out the quickest path from A to B, and we’ve stuck to it ever since.

But somehow, thinking about that walk totally reminded me how out of place I feel. Not just in their company but in all company – in life. I just don’t seem to fit in very well anywhere. I can’t think of funny things to say like JM can, or just be normal like RM is, or be everything under the sun and not give a crap like RP. I care what people think. I care when I hurt their feelings or say something off color. But I also care that when I try to stop caring, it does no good – I still come off as awkward and unconvincing. Like the school marm who tries to wear a low-cut top one day and is met only with sidelong glances and shaking heads. That’s how I come off when I try to tell a joke or make a slick remark. Fumbling, dorky, better off quiet. I hate that. The only coherent thoughts – even occasionally poignant – come out here and only here. If only I could walk around journaling all day and everyone would wait while I keyed in my responses, then ran far away so they could read them. =)

I’m coming to the point now where I’m pretty sure we never change. I guess there are those who deal with traumatic experiences that forever alter their way of thinking, but even that is difficult for me to imagine, having not witnessed or dealt with it myself. But for most of us – this is it. We are who we are. So what do I do if this “me” isn’t who I want to be? Sure, there are some things I’d like to keep, but others upset me so much, I would do anything to escape them. If I’m shy, I’m always going to be shy. Why can’t shyness just dissolve as we grow older? Be full force in middle school, begin to dissolve in high school and then wash away fully in college so we can go out into the world as capable adults? Why don’t we all just balance out to “normal” once we get jobs and pay bills? It would be so much easier. I get a good deal of feedback from people who claim to be screwed up, too, and I’m sure you are. But I am a whole different level. And there are people far more screwed up than I am too. I would never begin to claim equality with them. But it just hurts, this weirdness. This abnormality. I hate living inside my head and being too afraid to call RP and say, “Hey, think you could take off a couple hours from work tonight and watch a movie with me?” But I don’t want to look like an idiot. And I don’t want to make him feel guilty for having to say no time and time again. And I don’t really want to do anything but sit in my room and sulk.

Isn’t this fun? =)


Filed under depression, plans, recap, thoughts

2 responses to “preparing for another weekend alone

  1. Tod

    “Grave of the Fireflies” is most excellent. But be forewarned: You WILL weep.

  2. e. autumne

    Thanks for the heads-up. =) I cried during “Spirited Away,” and wept during “Diving Bell,” so I’m sure it’ll happen here too.

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