breaking through the fog

Some days it’s better, some days it’s worse. But overall, I think I’m progressing at least a little in terms of my neuroses. It’s sort of like a fog is lifting. Now in my 24th year, I am recognizing my mistakes a little more quickly and laughing things off more readily. Those are small steps, but for me, they have all the makings of a breakthrough. They signify clearer thinking and a more casual outlook on the world. I still take things way too seriously and worry most of the time, but at least those occasional moments of normalcy signify progress.

I notice I’ve been using the phrase, “No worries,” quite a bit lately, mostly in response to RP’s expressions of stress over inept coworkers or ridiculous deadlines. It makes me a hypocrite to say that and then freak out whenever I make a little mistake myself, but I guess I’ll just call myself one of those “Do as I say” types. Honestly, if left to my own devices, I probably wouldn’t sweat my own slip-ups as much. It is because I am in the presence of another person that I even dwell on them. If alone, I would fret momentarily, remedy the situation and move on within a few minutes. If someone else is present, I will mention the worry or the problem, then they’ll want more information, I’ll supply it, they’ll get all animated trying to tell me I shouldn’t worry about that, then I’ll insist it’s a big deal, then they’ll try to make me feel better… It goes on much longer than it should. Maybe I just need to learn to keep quiet when under stress. Appearing calm, cool and collected has its merits.

It makes me laugh when people think I’m married. I was talking with a gentleman at the gym tonight who grew up in Michigan’s thumb and moved various places around the country before finally landing in Memphis. I said I’d just recently moved and was still getting used to the place. And he asked if my husband’s job had brought us here. I didn’t snicker, though the idea of my even having a husband does make me smirk, but told him, no, I came here for my own job, and am not sure how long I’ll be in the area. It’s just so strange to think I could be married. I mean, really, I couldn’t, because I’ve never even tread anywhere near the altar, but I am of a viable age for that sort of thing. And with one old friend pregnant with her first child, it hits home that we’re on the cusp of no longer being young. Not in the morbid, woe-is-my-wrinkly-body sense, but just a jarring realization that high school ended almost 7 years ago, and college almost 3. It’s kind of an amorphous blob for me now, looking back. Sometimes it seems like only today matters. But today wouldn’t be today if it weren’t for all the yesterdays that shaped it. The day itself is untouched, but our perception of it, the way we approach it, the memories that occur to us throughout this day, the longtime friends we interact with, where our lives have brought us… That blob seems distant and indistinguishable, but it really is the formula behind today. It’s the reason my classmates on Facebook are where they are, and the reason I am where I am. Maybe we’re battling what came about 7+ years ago, or maybe we’re just where everyone always thought we’d be. I wish it was 10-year reunion time already…

Tomorrow I’m going to return more than $200 worth of clothing to various mall retailers. I am so excited about that. One would think that I’d be a little disappointed, since returns mean things didn’t fit or look good, but really, retrieving my money overshadows the disappointment. Some of the purchases were made in haste for occasions that really weren’t that practical anyway. One in particular – the most incredible little black dress in the universe – speaks to that point. It’s hard to pass up a garment that literally makes you cry in the dressing room though. After so much effort and so many sweat baths, I was able to try on a host of size-14 dresses at Macy’s on Thursday. This is the first time I’ve been able to do this since… well, ever, really. Because the last time I was the equivalent of a 14, I was probably in middle school. And at that point I had no waist, so I was wearing men’s clothing, not women’s. So this was pretty much earth shaking for me. I don’t have any decent photographic evidence, but I will say that it was the black dress you see in every movie – the one that fits just perfectly and looks amazing. Yeah, that one. However, it’s $96. And it’s not even dry clean only – it’s “professional spot clean only.” It’s like the equivalent of a wedding dress. =P So impractical, even if it was a profound moment.

Now that I’ll be reclaiming some funds, I may see about getting in on the 12-for-6 special that the gym’s personal trainers are offering right now. I’m sure the price tag will still be astronomical, but it may be worth it. I’ve been getting too winded and am not making the proper progress anymore. I need something different to get things off the ground again.

Here’s hoping everyone has a great weekend… I believe I may be going to the local Sportsman’s Warehouse tomorrow afternoon to support my company and check out the store’s outdoor gear. Maybe they’ll be having a mega kayak sale… Ha, don’t I wish. Also, I read about a ladies’ consignment sale going on at the Agricenter, so I may swing by there to see if I can’t find some low-cost alternatives to all these clothing purchases of late. Hooray for being cheap (when it counts)!

1 Comment

Filed under exercise, health, plans, recap, shopping, thoughts

One response to “breaking through the fog

  1. Iris

    Hi..I really enjoyed reading your blog..I’m Iris from the Philippines..

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