I spent a lot of time talking today. Supervisor, sales reps, coworkers, Carla & God. Those last two were the major ones. And, really, they both felt like long sighs of relief. I love being able to talk through my problems. I talk to myself quite often, but it’s just not the same as knowing someone’s on the receiving end. And the occasional responses and interjections help shed new light on the circumstances.

I took my lunch period today to eat a quick meal and take a walk by the lake. It was such a gorgeous afternoon. Overcast, but with the perfect breeze and temperature. It was very fall-like for Memphis, especially this early in the year. I spent most of my walk crying and talking to God (they often go hand in hand). I scanned the water’s surface for turtles’ heads and scared four ducks out from under the foot bridge. I wish the drakes had stayed around, because the hens were mallards and the drakes sure didn’t look like the same species.

Anyway, after a lot of moaning and wondering aloud, I finally decided what I needed from God was focus on what’s important. I have no idea what that is anymore. Is it work? My own health? My relationships? It’s so unclear to me. I need help knowing what really needs my attention, and then help keeping my brain there, instead of letting it wander off to worry about other things. I’m pretty sure this crush (which is quickly fizzling after a mini battle this evening and an impending “talk” first thing in the morning) will not rank in the top five. I sure hope not anyway.

On the phone tonight, Carla and I had a mutual Whine-Off, in which we complained about anything and everything we could think of. Best thing about that was that the conversation went like a giant onion: each layer we peeled away exposed another underneath; each topic we discussed brought to mind another. That went on for well over an hour. In the end, we were still both frustrated, but I had come to following conclusion about my ideal life…

Set somewhere in the Northeast (preferably Maine, New Hampshire or Massachusetts). Living in a small house somewhere near a body of water (ocean, lake or otherwise) over which I can watch sunsets. I would like the house to have that wood-shake siding, but I’m flexible on decorating. =) I would own a car but use it as little as possible, just taking it for the occasional long drive or trip into the city. Otherwise, I would ride a bike into town. I’d live right on the edge of things, so I was in the country enough for peace and solitude, but close enough for a mile-or-two trip to the grocery store. I’d get one of those cruiser bicycles with the handlebars that curve back toward you and don’t force you to hunch over to ride. I wouldn’t have a TV at home, but maybe a projector and screen for the occasional movie, or possibly a NetFlix account, because that is pretty sweet. I’d still have a computer but use it as little as possible, mostly for email correspondence with faraway friends and relatives, paying bills and queuing up movies. I’d have two dogs, both large and furry, both with ridiculous first and middle names, at least one of which I would call “Widget.” I’d take them on walks down dirt paths and along the shore. Other than that… well, I don’t know. If I had learned enough, maybe I’d keep the computer out and become some sort of freelance designer, content manager or newsletter editor. And a woodworker on the side, because I will always think that’s cool. I would drink hot tea on cool fall evenings and keep lots of afghans all over the house. I’d definitely have a fireplace too. And a grill outside. And a porch swing or cool hammock setup.

Sigh. Why do I live in the mid-South again?



Filed under thoughts

2 responses to “exhaling

  1. This1thing

    When I think about places I would like to live someday, it’s usually a lot like what you described just there. Other times, it’s NYC, don’t ask me why, I haven’t the answer.

    And you should totally go to the Bass Pro Memphis, I think we have them race cars in that there one lol

  2. e. autumne

    Ooh, I should check it out. I may be going there next week.

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