high-anxiety individual

If you ever hear me say I don’t like my job, please smack me around a little. Because it’s a wonderful job. Honestly, I could not ask for a better company to work for, nicer coworkers, a more enjoyable work environment, etc. The only explanation I have for being so exasperated today is a combination of too little sleep and too much anxiety. I am trying to curtail the edginess by listening to my “Calming Voices” channel on Pandora. Some tracks: “Where I Go” by Natalie Merchant, “Happiness” by The Weepies and “Umbrella” by Marie Digby. I love Pandora.

I’ve been working a lot lately. But sometimes (like now) I waste time at the office, so I don’t feel like I’m going above and beyond by putting in an hour or two in the evening and staying here until 6 o’clock most days. When you have a family or a pet to come home to, you want to leave work. You need to. But me? I have the gym, dinner, reading and sleep. Nothing else on the agenda. And a strange love for web design and editing. What can I say?

I sometimes wonder if I’ll regret working so much when I’m older. But I’ve spent enough years on this planet now to know better when things are regrettable and when they’re not. I would regret working too many hours if I were still working at STN or if I were turning down invitations from friends to stay at the office. That’s a thing of the past. Now I stay because I want to. No one’s breathing down my neck or beating me in the back of the head with a deadline. I just want to get ahead because there are so many “back-burner tasks” that could use addressing and so much on the horizon that I’m going to need extra time to accomplish. Plus, I’m always thinking how I can prove myself and present my talents in a unique way. I think about that a lot. I hope I’ll be able to figure something out before the end of my year here. Well before.

On a totally separate note… I wish I could make more friends here. I’m self-defeating in that I have already written off Gym Guy because of his forceful personality. There is at least one person here at the office that I would like to suggest hanging out with, but I just don’t know how to do that. I see myself as kind of a burden, and not particularly fun to be around. So I worry that asking someone to spend an evening with me would be like asking him to chew on some rusty razor blades. One of those instances where my low self-esteem rears its ugly head. It took me a ton of courage just to ask RP to hang out a month ago – don’t know if I can do it again. We’ll see if I ever make new friends.

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