muddled thoughts

I’ve spent the past couple of days a befuddled, anxious, hopeless wreck. And I have no idea why. I’ve tried numerous times to calm myself down and put things in perspective, but so far, it hasn’t worked. It started with being sad about Tod, but then my psyche took the sadness in 20 different directions. Now I’m stuck being pulled around by all these negative thoughts and emotions. I can’t concentrate on one for more than a minute before being whisked away by another, to an even darker, more desperate place.

Having had momentary hope that I may have been able to leave the shadows of depression behind, this is especially hard for me to face. I guess I have been so distracted by lifestyle, location and job changes that I haven’t allowed myself to revert to the despairing creature I was before. It’s so tough being her. I feel utterly without hope or purpose again. It makes me so upset! Nothing was taken from me, nothing changed, and yet I’m incapable of picking myself up and continuing to move forward. I really need to seek out a counselor.

I’ve been thinking about blogging lately. Well, more about Web programming in general, but blogging has been a major component, since it’s really my most significant foray into the field outside the office. But it hasn’t been significant. I read so many blogs on a daily basis and wish that I could be half as interesting as all those faceless writers, but I’m just not. That fact leaches into my real life as well, so it’s frustrating on both levels, but it’s easier for me to articulate in terms of the Web, so I’ll stick with that for now.

I find it hard to blog about interesting things because blogging is my only outlet. With so few friends and acquaintances, I don’t have a daily sounding board. So every single thought and feeling I have ends up here, which wouldn’t be interesting to outsiders whatsoever. It’s not even interesting to most of the people who know me! Which means I have to become an expert at something and talk only about that and personal things related to that – no more vague coworker stories or random anecdotes about being bitten by shelter dogs. They’re not even slightly entertaining, so they need to go.

The problem? I’m not even good at anything, let alone an expert. I’ve written about this before. I’m good at grammar/spelling, putting content on the Web, occasionally sketching stuff, being quiet, listening to other people talk, connecting with animals and trying to do nice things for people. Am I an expert at any of those things? No (and, for some, it’s just not possible to attain valedictorian status). And when I look at the Web, it’s all out there already. People blog about every one of those topics. They blog about living green lifestyles, reading good books, dealing with depression – all topics I’ve considered myself. There’s nothing left in this information-saturated world to call my own. Every single topic has not only a contributor but a GREAT contributor, which automatically puts me at the back of the pack, no matter what my route.

I’ve also been thinking about these things in relation to my work. It wears on me, being the “content girl,” the one who says, “This might be neat… can you even do that?” without knowing anything about how a plan comes to fruition via development. I want to understand it all, but I’m afraid my cognitive abilities, my patience and my self-esteem will hold me back. Whenever I get gung-ho about a subject, I try so hard to read up on it, to immerse myself in it, that I end up getting overwhelmed, feeling stupid if anyone finds out I’ve been trying and giving up before I’ve mastered a single skill. The back-and-forth runs me a bit ragged, honestly. I just wish I could have a single thought or goal at a time, let it run its course and then move to the next. Instead, I think, “Ooh, let’s learn JavaScript!…Wait, I don’t get it…No, I’m not trying to learn this…Gosh, I’m stupid…Hey, it would be cool to register a domain and build a real blog!…Wow, this is hard…I should learn to cook Indian food…” That is, quite literally, my life in one long-winded statement.

I spend way too much time alone inside my head. I miss having Tod as a go-to person for my daily strife, and while I know I have friends with voicemail and email, it’s just hard to open those doors sometimes. It’s easy when someone’s already waiting for you, or scheduled to talk to you. I know I don’t have that anymore, and I’m not blaming that loss for what’s been going on with me since. It’s something else in my head that’s causing all this drama. I just wish I could pick it out of my gray matter like the nasty, burrowing bug that it is, flick it out onto the pavement and crush it with my giant, size-12 dress sandal.

I don’t know what’s going to happen in the next few days, weeks and months, but I sure as heck hope it’s better than the last two days have been. I believe this period can be best defined as The Suck.

1 Comment

Filed under depression, thoughts

One response to “muddled thoughts

  1. Jessica

    I don’t know if this will help at all but I wanted you to know how much I enjoy reading your blog. You write very well. I find myself envious of how well you can express what you’re feeling. It makes even the most mundane day to day experiences fun to read (except when you are sad of course). I can’t write like that at all. I’ve had similar thoughts and feelings to your own but I could never put them down here even half as well as you do. I don’t know if it’s because I just can’t connect those parts of my brain or if I don’t have the vocabulary or if it’s something different all together. There is always going to be someone out there who is better than you at something. But, there is also going to be people who envy the things you can do because they can’t. There are a million things I wish I could do well. Instead of at least trying, like you do, I just sit around wasting my life and then the feeling goes away. Ok I’m done rambling. I hope that helps a little bit. I’m definitely NOT an expert on giving advice. =)

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