everybody’s comin’ to get me


1) I get all worked up when plans change or are misaligned and I can’t see Tod. It’s like it’s always the last time I’ll ever get to see him, and oh god, what can I rearrange to make sure it happens??! I often cry when he’s leaving because he might die while we’re apart and I’ll never see him again. If that were to happen, I wouldn’t be able to do anything about it anyway, but I feel like seeing him whenever possible and talking to him three times a day is a preventative measure of some sort, at least making it so I don’t feel like I took our relationship for granted while he was still alive.

2) When I hang up after talking to Tod, I look at my cell phone to see how long we talked. Sometimes the number doesn’t appeal to me, usually if it’s odd, or at least ends in an odd number of minutes. Sometimes I’m so uncomfortable (especially if it comes in combination with an awkward or quiet conversation because neither of us has anything to say), I have to either call back pretending to have forgotten to tell him something or talk to him on AIM via Gmail just to make sure we’re still in love and he’s still alive and everything ends on a positive note. Also, after noting the number of minutes, I do two kisses in the air before his picture disappears from the front display of my phone. If I don’t, he might die. I’ve started doing that when he leaves my apartment, too, when I’m watching through the window to make sure there are no thugs waiting out by his car. I watch and wait for him to back out, then do two air kisses before his car disappears from view. If I don’t, I get very stressed out and can’t get comfortable until he calls to say he’s made it home safe.

3) Yesterday, Tod wrote “MEW!” on an old receipt sitting in the center console in my car. I said, “You know I’m never going to be able to throw that away now, right?” He said I should, that it would provide a good lesson for me, a way to work through my issues. I bet I’ll never throw it away though.

…that’s all for now. God, I’m screwed up. I have to go remount and laminate a poster, then cut 8 of them down to size for mailing. Such an irritating task. I will write about my doctor’s appointment tonight.


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