any way you want it, that’s the way you need it

Oh, I am so incredibly tired today. What is wrong with me? Well, I know a few things, but I’d like to understand today in particular. It’s day two of menstruation (seems to be a theme among my fellow female bloggers this week), so I feel like I should be over most of the icky feeling. I’m a little frustrated that the gyno part of my doctor’s appointment will have to be rescheduled (hoping against hope I can get in at all before May 15), but at least I’ll get the physical out of the way, since that seems to be the most booked-up procedure for them.

Anyway, why am I tired? I thought getting outside yesterday would help, and it seemed to at the time, but when it came down to going to bed, I stalled as usual. I’ve been noticing this lately and it’s definitely not a new thing: I’m afraid to go to bed. I have mentioned to people a few times my theory that if I wait as long as possible before going into my room and turning off the light, any serial killers or rapists will get tired of hiding in my closet and show themselves while I can still fight back. Perhaps I don’t give these people enough credit, but that’s what’s hanging around in the back of my mind while I continue to flip through the channels well after 11 p.m. every night. I want to be in bed. Last night, I was tuckered out from walking. But I just couldn’t leave the couch. Sometimes it’s laziness, I know, but sometimes it’s just unreasonable fear. I can’t help but tie it back to society and movies, because I’ve never been attacked, nor has anyone close to me (or at least that they’ve told me). So it’s all those images that have clung in the fibers of my brain, like a really stubborn tomato sauce stain that’s hung around for years.

And the longer I wait to sleep, the less sleepy I get, a lot of the time. Much like hunger, my fatigue cycles up and down, so one minute I’m dozing off and the next, I’m ready to start another activity. So, when I should be encouraging and amplifying my drowsiness, I’m ignoring it until it fades away again. And when I finally make it into bed? I scroll through my cell phone menus, looking for something to distract me from turning off the light. I look for free games in Get It Now and go hunting through all the options for something I’ve yet to discover. Trust me: I’ve discovered everything now. =P

So, yeah, chalk up another crazy habit for me. Oh, and I told Tod about this one the other night, but he was falling asleep at the time, so I don’t know if he understood… When I go to take a drink out of the cup in the bathroom, I always do one rinse before I drink anything out of it. Not so much to make sure no bugs have crawled in and died, but because I’m afraid someone may have put poison in it while I wasn’t home. Because tap water always rinses away any hint of POISON. =P Yikes.

I can’t keep my mitts off the dried cranberries today. Yum! I should get back to work now…

Oh, if anyone’s interested in working for a nonprofit, my boss led me to idealist.org and I’ve seen several interesting prospects on there already. Just FYI!

Advertisements

Leave a comment

Filed under health, jobs, paranoia, PMS

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s