reactionary

I’m such a doofus. I feel as though I’m going to ruin my relationship with Tod by getting so freaked out and not being able to hide it properly. I believe everything he tells me, but I know he’s a thoughtful guy and will spend time pondering situations and things about me, possibly until he realizes they are no good. That is what I worry about, not just the initial response to my, “We’re OK, right?” query of desperation.

Basically, when something seems off, I get worried. And things seem off much more often than I’d like. Combining that with PMS is absolutely lethal, and that’s the situation in which I find myself today. I spoke with Tod just a little bit ago, when he called me back after his shower. I had wanted to chat with him at length as usual, but then he said he had to go, because he’d showered late, was eating his lunch and then had to head out for work. I was all, “But… what? Where are you going? Why now? Why didn’t we talk earlier then?” So it came out all jumbled and full of anguish and fear and (unfortunately) blame. When, really, I was just feeling down about the day and running high on hormones and emotions. So I started crying, which upset him. I hate doing that. I thought I was getting better about it, but one issue like this (premenstrual or not) gets me all freaked out that he’s going to get frustrated and call the whole thing off.

Sometimes I get sick of being me. =( I’m sorry, honey. I promise I’m working on it!!

I was looking up jobs today and found this posting from the Turtle Hospital in Marathon, Fla. (in the Keys). So cool! I’m sure they wouldn’t want me, but it would be a great experience. Kristin (my current boss) has a close friend whose sister works at the National Marine Life Center in Buzzards Bay, Mass. I mentioned my tentative idea to spend the summer in New England and she e-mailed her friend to see if there were any job opportunities out there. The ties are loose, but maybe something will turn up – I would love to work at a place like that!

Speaking of jobs, I found out today that my boss is going to lose pretty much her whole department after Jana and I leave. The budget is increasingly tight, so they’re taking away her public affairs intern (my old spot) and making graphic design strictly an internship (no room for advancement, as there was when Jana started). So, as much as my boss was afraid of the team being even slightly fractured, she’s going to have the whole thing taken away instead. I feel bad for her. =( I hope whatever GD student they find is highly motivated and talented enough to at least try out Jana’s shoes, even if they’re too big for a while. I said I’d be willing to edit for free from wherever I might be, but my boss said that’s something I should get paid for – blah, blah, blah. Honestly, I love editing, and I know how to do it for our publications, so I’d be more than willing to help out if need be. I doubt they’ll ask, but hey, I’ll be around.

We have a conference call in 10 minutes. I’m looking forward to sitting quietly for a half hour. Jana just came over to ask a question and I almost burst into tears again because there was confusion over the capitalization of region names. Clearly PMS. I need to avoid talking to people for the rest of the day. =\

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